Archive for October, 2009


if…then

Filed Under: Mom, blah by Heather — Leave a comment
Saturday October 31, 2009

Not a happy post.

When I was in junior high, I took a “computer programming” class. It was six or twelve lessons of basic computer literacy and there was a short bit on programming.

Start.
Run.
End.

One of the things I remember most vividly from this class is the conditional if, then statement.
If X happens or is true, then Y must happen.

In the process of getting moved into my new computer, I’ve been going through old pictures. I see so much of my life in Arkansas represented and I’m drawn to pictures that were taken from about August to October, 2005. I can’t stop looking at these images. That was a particularly tough period in my life–drama with a boy, issues with communication in my workplace–and I thought that it was about over. Things were largely resolved. When I look at pictures taken during Homecoming weekend in late October, I seem relaxed. My sister was in town, Kristi and Michele were around. Tunes was great. I had no idea what was coming, of course.

If I knew what was about to happen, then I would have paid more attention.
If I would have…, then I could have….

There are a few things that torture me about that fall, and one of them is that I just breezed through it, relentlessly self-centered, like things were always going to be as they were then. Other people might call it simply living life and at the time, I would have, too. I guess I just want to tell the girl in those pictures to hold on to her hat because things were about to change. I want to tell her to pay attention. I look at her face, my face, and I want to see some shadow of what’s coming but of course there is none.

Every single day since my Mom died, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop: I don’t ever want to be that surprised again. And if you’re wondering, yes, that’s a terrible way to live. It’s exhausting and it’s draining. Part of the journey I’ve been on with the Lord is learning to relax in him. Not that difficult times won’t happen, because they will. It’s just that I needn’t be destroyed by the difficulty. And it’s not even that I’m being assured of some sort of warning…it’s just that maintaining and strengthening my relationship with the Lord provides a firm, ready foundation for when life is hard.

If I believe God is who he says he is, then I must believe what he says. I know that if some of it is true, then all of it is true. Because I’ve seen God move in my life and in the lives of strangers, friends, family and others I love, I know that his word, the Bible, is true.

I can stare at those pictures all day long but there’s no way to change who I was when those pictures were taken. Everything that’s happened to me since, the unspeakable, the joyful and all of the rest have all worked together to bring me to where I am right now. My responsibility is not to look back, to warn about what’s coming. Time doesn’t work that way! My responsibility is to ask the Lord every day “what can I do today to serve you? How do I advance your kingdom on earth today? What will I do for you with this day you have given me?” I am ashamed at how self-centered I have been. I am amazed at God’s grace and his willingness to rescue me from my sin.

If…then: a conditional statement that (paradoxically?) proves to me how faithful my God is.
If I believe, then I will be saved.
If I call upon him, he will answer me.
If I seek him, [then] he will be found.
If I draw near to him, then he will draw near to me.

That’s Good News, indeed.

I miss my sweet Mother. Hug yours for me, will you?

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off the top of my head

Filed Under: Mom, inner monologue by Heather — 2 Comments
Friday October 30, 2009
  • I wish I could be in Hot Springs for Brooke’s wedding on Saturday.
  • This working on Saturdays business has got to change.
  • My Mom always told me to believe someone when they tell/show you who they are. That’s good advice.
  • I’m learning to use my new computer and have such a patient teacher! He doesn’t read this, but I’m ever so grateful for all of his help. (I still miss Home and End!)
  • I can’t believe November is just around the corner. There’s been a subtle shift in how I feel about this time of year and I can’t yet articulate it, but one thing that has not changed? I miss my mother. I miss her in the very deepest parts of my heart and soul.

Lord, help me to navigate this season of  my life. I know that it’s not purposeless. Grant me the wisdom to learn what you’re teaching me and the grace to let go of the rest.

 

 

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speaking words of wisdom.

Filed Under: inner monologue by Heather — Leave a comment
Thursday October 29, 2009

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.

—————–

I had dinner with a good friend tonight and it nourished my soul to laugh and joke with an old friend. (Thank you!)
“When **** tells a story, you’ve just got to let him finish. It’s like a dog humping your leg: you can try to stop him, but it won’t do any good.”

—————–

I’m so restless.

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stand by me.

Filed Under: inner monologue by Heather — Leave a comment
Tuesday October 27, 2009

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And moon is the only light we’ll see
No I won’t be afraid, no I won’t be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me

I’m not sure how I came to know this song, but I’ve loved it for years. Since high school, at least. It’s a promise and a plea. I won’t be afraid [if the unthinkable happens] as long as you stand by me.

Ah, if only it were that simple.

During the U2 concert, there was a bit of an acoustic set as Bono and The Edge played without the rhythm section of the band. They played “Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of” and “Stand By Me.*” I’d read reviews of the concert so I anticipated this happening, but was awestruck just the same when it did happen. It was very cool to hear 65,000 people sing this old soul song. Lyrically, the songs come from the same place and it makes sense to pull them together and pool their resources, as it were. I loved it.

A promise and a plea.

Sometimes I plead before I make the promise. I have it in the wrong order.

Stand by me. Maybe it is that simple.

*The idea of the mountains crumbling into the sea isn’t one first presented in this song, of course: it’s all throughout the Bible. The passages I’m most familiar with are Psalms 46:2 and one of my favorites, Isaiah 54:10.

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not against flesh and blood

Filed Under: Mom, daily life, work by Heather — Leave a comment
Sunday October 25, 2009

I’m in the middle of a battle.

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sunshiney day

Filed Under: inner monologue, work by Heather — 2 Comments
Thursday October 22, 2009

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way

I first heard that song in a commercial for a chain of eyecare stores. You know, the ones in the mall or in a strip center, next door to Kroger? For ages, whenever I heard that song, I’d think, “I need to get my eyes checked.” Now when I hear it, I think of the movie Cool Runnings. “Feel the rhythm, feel the ride, c’mon everybody, it’s bobsled time!”
So yeah. There’s that.

I had a happy, lovely, unexpected surprise today at work. Let me tell you about it! A few months ago, I worked with a customer who was UNHAPPY about a space we’d designed for her. She was beyond unhappy, she was livid. She called the store and chewed me out and I shed (more than) a few tears over it. It was unpleasant. About ten minutes after our final conversation, she called the store to apologize, said she had several more projects to work on, and wondered if I wouldn’t mind being the one to work with her. I told her I’d be delighted.*

We worked together all afternoon, into the evening. She didn’t leave the store until almost 10:45. (We close at 9.) As I was handing her off to another designer to finish up her spaces, she told me that she’d write a letter to my boss and my boss’s** boss telling them how much I’d helped her out. She asked for the names and I gave them to her, thinking that this might end very, very badly.

Today, the letter arrived! It was positively glowing. She couldn’t have been nicer or more complimentary about me, and I’m only mildly ashamed to recount this story here, to the three dozen or so people who visit every day. It was such a happy surprise and it brightened my afternoon considerably.

*Truth: I wasn’t actually delighted to hear from her. I was also decidedly not delighted at the prospect of her ripping me another new one. She was terrible to me and I didn’t actually want to speak to her again, ever. However, I understand she was under considerable stress and the Lord softened my heart in a way that only he can. We had a good afternoon working together. She’s just a person, and she was having a not-great moment. I totally get that.

**Insecure about the spelling of the possessive form of boss, I googled it and am absurdly delighted to find all sorts of resources on situations just like this. Internet, you are deep. And wide. (Deep and wide, there’s a fountain flowing deep and wide….)

The weather today was stellar.

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ex

Filed Under: relationships by Heather — Leave a comment
Thursday October 22, 2009

I heard from an old boyfriend today. He contacted me, sort of out of the blue, and we chatted only briefly but it was long enough to remind me of two things: why he’s in my past and not my present, and also how far I’ve come with my choices.

Yay for that.

(I don’t mind the game. I don’t mind playing it. After all, that’s part of it, right? I just need to know which game it is and if you’re in it with me or not.)



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so long, farewell

Filed Under: holidays, itty bitty rant by Heather — 1 Comment
Monday October 19, 2009

My computer, Noel, is dead. Well, technically, she’s on life support, but she’s got no brain activity and the medical team (that would be me and a few friends [the google]) says “outlook not good.” I’m not sure what killed her, but her untimely death has put a serious crimp in my budget/savings.

It looks like she’ll be replaced with a Mac. I’m not sure how I feel about this just yet, but there’s no reason my fifteen-month-old pc should have died on me, and perhaps out of frustration, I’m switching to the dark side. I know that I have railed against proselytizing Mac owners in this space before, but I will do my best not to become a snotty Apple user. I’M NOT SAYING ALL MAC OWNERS ARE SNOTTY. I’m saying there’s a snotty subset that makes my skin crawl, that’s all. (You know who you are [and you probably don't read this site].)

I had a revelation today about a user I follow on Twitter. She routinely makes statements that just baffle and irritate me and I realized that I don’t have to put myself through that. I can either A: not let it get under my skin (clearly the more sensible and mature approach) or B: unfollow her!  I don’t know why it took me so long to arrive at this conclusion. But hey! problem solved.

My store is in the process of putting up its Christmas display/merchandise/hoopla. Yikes and fa la la la la.

(All I want for Christmas is you.)

P.S. I had to put myself on a U2 diet this week. I was obsessed and it wasn’t good. I need to abstain until I can consume more sensible portions. Have you ever had to do that?

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