Not a happy post.

When I was in junior high, I took a “computer programming” class. It was six or twelve lessons of basic computer literacy and there was a short bit on programming.

Start.
Run.
End.

One of the things I remember most vividly from this class is the conditional if, then statement.
If X happens or is true, then Y must happen.

In the process of getting moved into my new computer, I’ve been going through old pictures. I see so much of my life in Arkansas represented and I’m drawn to pictures that were taken from about August to October, 2005. I can’t stop looking at these images. That was a particularly tough period in my life–drama with a boy, issues with communication in my workplace–and I thought that it was about over. Things were largely resolved. When I look at pictures taken during Homecoming weekend in late October, I seem relaxed. My sister was in town, Kristi and Michele were around. Tunes was great. I had no idea what was coming, of course.

If I knew what was about to happen, then I would have paid more attention.
If I would have…, then I could have….

There are a few things that torture me about that fall, and one of them is that I just breezed through it, relentlessly self-centered, like things were always going to be as they were then. Other people might call it simply living life and at the time, I would have, too. I guess I just want to tell the girl in those pictures to hold on to her hat because things were about to change. I want to tell her to pay attention. I look at her face, my face, and I want to see some shadow of what’s coming but of course there is none.

Every single day since my Mom died, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop: I don’t ever want to be that surprised again. And if you’re wondering, yes, that’s a terrible way to live. It’s exhausting and it’s draining. Part of the journey I’ve been on with the Lord is learning to relax in him. Not that difficult times won’t happen, because they will. It’s just that I needn’t be destroyed by the difficulty. And it’s not even that I’m being assured of some sort of warning…it’s just that maintaining and strengthening my relationship with the Lord provides a firm, ready foundation for when life is hard.

If I believe God is who he says he is, then I must believe what he says. I know that if some of it is true, then all of it is true. Because I’ve seen God move in my life and in the lives of strangers, friends, family and others I love, I know that his word, the Bible, is true.

I can stare at those pictures all day long but there’s no way to change who I was when those pictures were taken. Everything that’s happened to me since, the unspeakable, the joyful and all of the rest have all worked together to bring me to where I am right now. My responsibility is not to look back, to warn about what’s coming. Time doesn’t work that way! My responsibility is to ask the Lord every day “what can I do today to serve you? How do I advance your kingdom on earth today? What will I do for you with this day you have given me?” I am ashamed at how self-centered I have been. I am amazed at God’s grace and his willingness to rescue me from my sin.

If…then: a conditional statement that (paradoxically?) proves to me how faithful my God is.
If I believe, then I will be saved.
If I call upon him, he will answer me.
If I seek him, [then] he will be found.
If I draw near to him, then he will draw near to me.

That’s Good News, indeed.

I miss my sweet Mother. Hug yours for me, will you?