Monthly Archives: November 2009

11.30.2009

30 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by in Holiday Song of the Day, inner monologue

≈ Leave a Comment

Come and worship, come and worship!
Worship Christ the newborn King!

For Christmas 2004, the choir at Second Baptist performed a Christmas concert of sorts. It was a collection of songs arranged for SATB choral singing called King of Glory, King of Love. We sang during the morning worship service and it was just after we’d called a new pastor to preach and just before we celebrated the opening of a new worship center. It was a great time in the life of that fellowship of believers and a joy to be a part of that worship experience. I still have that CD and two of my most favorite Christmas songs are on that CD. One of them is a medley called “It’s All About Your Glory/Away in a Manger” and the other is called “Nothing Compares.” I’ll write about the latter song on another day, but today, the former is the Holiday Song of the Day.

“It’s All About…” is a beautiful song about how our Christmas celebrations should always be focused on and centered around the majesty of the God of the universe donning human flesh and dwelling among us so that we might know the Father. Holy cow! How amazing is that?! It’s so amazing. I am rediscovering the wonder of this season, and that’s where I’m getting started. A baby! Who would have thought that a baby would be the Lion of Judah?

My favorite lines are the ones I quoted above. I always imagine them not as an invitation, but as a mandate. Come and worship! Come and worship! Worship Christ the newborn King! (It’s the same verb tense as when Jesus commanded Peter to step out of that boat! Come. Come and worship! If we don’t, the very rocks will cry out. I don’t want any rock singing praises for me! Not even the fancy ones!)

————————

The sermon this morning in church was about being intentionally thankful (as I imagine yours might have been too) and our pastor said two things that have been on my mind all day. I’m going to (briefly) paraphrase them here.

  • We should give thanks for the unseen things, the things that we didn’t get or don’t have. The diagnosis that I did not hear, the jobs I did not get…it’s easy to think of bad things I’m glad not to have, but jobs I didn’t get? Why should I be thankful for that? I have been clear here (and in my devotional time) in my desire for a new job. But you know what? If I believe God is who he says he is, then I have to believe that each job that I don’t get means he is keeping me from some situation that would have been less than the very best for me. That is not an easy thing for me. I want to have some amount of self-determination in this, but I can’t and be obedient and faithful. I’m not particularly good at obedience or faithfulness, but God loves me through that.
  • Giving thanks for the valleys. I wrote about this very thing last week…I’m not sure how to thank God for the darkest times of my life. It’s hard to get to that place, but what I re-learned this morning is that God will redeem every single experience and bring good out of it and that’s what I need to be thankful for. An old boss of mine said “God never wastes a single experience” and I fully believe that…about other people’s experiences. It honestly never occurred to me that he means that about my life too. I believe that today, for the first time.

I think I’m on the verge of getting sick, but I’m not sick yet, and I’m thankful for that. ;)

 

fight the funk!

27 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by in inner monologue

≈ Leave a Comment

In my new effort to embrace the holiday season and beyond, I am going to periodically list things for which I’m thankful (and a few things I’m deciding to be thankful for even though it’s not my first choice). And since we started 100% Christmas music today, I’m embracing that as well. In my own way.

  • I’m thankful that today would have been my Mom and Dad’s 39th wedding anniversary. They were married just a few days shy of 35 years and I’m thankful that I had an example of a Godly marriage in my life to serve as a model. (Surely that will be useful one of these days, right?) ;)
  • I’m thankful that I only had 25 voicemail messages after my 5 days off. Yes, that was still a lot of messages to wade through, but that’s half of what I was expecting!
  • I’m super thankful for salt-and-pepper potato chips. So good.
  • Deciding to be thankful for all of the many renditions of “Blue Christmas” I get to hear each day. Elvis’ version isn’t actually sad. Celine’s version? Sad, sad, sad.
  • “Santa Baby” is totally sung by a woman who is a Grade A gold digger. (Not thankful for that. It’s just an observation.)
  • I’m thankful that Thanksgiving is over.
  • I’m thankful that you read this. Thanks for stopping by.

another one down.

26 Thursday Nov 2009

Posted by in inner monologue

≈ Leave a Comment

<ranty post>

I’ve been working on a project for my Dad over the last two days and right now, right at this here moment in time, I have an unnatural hatred for Pages and Numbers. These watered-down programs are not as full-featured as Word and Excel and though simpler in design, they’re not easier to use. Boo.

I go back to work tomorrow. I’m happy to have a job that gave me some time off, but I soooooo don’t want to go back to work. But I have to, so I’m choosing to be happy about the job thing.

And the rest of it.

</end ranty post>.

double-long day.

25 Wednesday Nov 2009

Posted by in dreams, Mom

≈ Leave a Comment

What an unusual day today was. All day long, I was reminded so clearly of the day my Mom died. The temperature outside. The sun shining. It’s hard to explain. There have been lots of cool-ish, partially sunny days since that terrible day…but none that felt as much like that one as this one. I clearly remember sitting outside and talking on my phone and being cool but not cold. I remember it being sunny but not bright. I was reminded of things today that I haven’t thought of in years.

Hearing from friends today (hi Sara and Sarah!) has been such a blessing and a reminder of how I am surrounded by friends who love me better than I deserve. It was a long, slow-moving day, and it was mostly good. (There were lots of flashes of sad, and a good bit of mad, but that’s pretty much how I roll day to day.) I know, cognitively, that there’s nothing particularly different about yesterday vs. today. I also understand that imparting too much significance onto these anniversary dates can make things unnecessarily difficult but honestly, I’m glad it’s over. Even if only because it’s not in front of me anymore. I said last year that I wanted to travel this year but I didn’t do enough planning to make that happen.

Next year, though…on the road.

Also: looking forward to more color and less grey in the next year. That would be good.

11.23.2005

24 Tuesday Nov 2009

Posted by in Mom

≈ 2 Comments

When I got home that Wednesday night, my sister was still at my parents’ house. We all sat around in the living room, the four of us, chatting and talking and catching up. I remember telling my family about stuff at work, my small group at church, other stuff. We talked about our Thanksgiving dinner plans for the next day: who was coming and what still needed to be done. We talked for a couple of hours before we called it a night. We all said our goodnights, then my sister headed to her house, my Mom went to bed, I went upstairs to read and my Dad stayed up to read.

“I’m headed to bed. Tomorrow’s going to be a big day.”

Those would be the last words I remember hearing from my Mom. I can’t remember telling her I loved her. She knew, though, right? Surely she knew. I have replayed this scene over and over in my head. I’ve tortured myself with it (and sometimes, I still do) and I can’t remember telling her I loved her. It was all so mind-numbingly normal that I simply can’t remember.

I think I read about three pages of the book I brought home before I abandoned it for fitful sleep. I haven’t touched it since. That book, When Life and Beliefs Collide, might have been exactly what I needed, but I have to admit that I absolutely felt abandoned by God that next morning and for much of the four years since. My life and my beliefs were absolutely colliding and I needed my God to show up and be God (in the form of the ultimate fixer/miracle worker), to make this un-happen, to make this nightmare not my reality. I still don’t understand why she’s dead and I’ll tell anyone who asks that I want her back. My faith is not so great that I’m ready to say “Okay, Lord. Not my will, but yours. This is not what I would have chosen, but I trust you.” Not on this issue, not yet.

I long to get to that place of peace…being mad at God is hard. It’s exhausting and I know that I can’t get to where I want to be spiritually with this chip on my shoulder. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because I know the Lord is calling me to surrender to him on this issue, again and completely, but I can’t do it on my own. I don’t know how and I’m not even sure I want to.

After suffering loss in her own life, my friend M told me that she’s let go of the need to know why. For her own sanity, she had to let that need go. She said there will never be anything that anyone could say, not even God, that would make her losses justified. Writing that now, it sounds so arrogant, but I get what she meant.

I don’t know where I was going with this post when I started it, but I can unequivocally tell you this as I wrap it up: I miss my mother. I miss her every single day, not just today, the anniversary of her death. When I left the admissions office and took a new job, I wrote that her death expands to fill the new spaces in our lives. For a long time, I allowed her death to define me because it was somehow easier. I don’t want to do that anymore, but I am terrified of moving forward without her. I don’t want to forget the sound of her voice or the way it felt to be in her embrace. How do I walk that line, to remember her and honor her without living in the past? I’m not sure. Looking at her death in a new way is a little like starting over.

Maybe it’s time to pick up that book again.

one day…

20 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by in change

≈ Leave a Comment

One day in the future, I will get my things out of storage and I’ll move into a place of my own. I’m not sure when, exactly, but it will be sooner rather than later. (Generally speaking.)

And when that day comes, whenever it comes, I’ll retrieve my boxes of books and put them on shelves (shelves I’ve yet to buy) and they will be shelved by color.

Amen.

next week.

20 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by in family, inner monologue

≈ Leave a Comment

I could road trip.

I could stay here.

If I stay, I might shop. I’ll do some sleeping, some cleaning, some reading, some dreaming.

I could do any of those things next week, but what won’t I be doing? I won’t be working, and for the purpose of this discussion, that’s the main point. (I suppose that’s not entirely true…I’ll work Friday and Saturday, but that seems like light years away. And yes, I know that a light year is actually a measure of distance rather than time, but YOU GET MY POINT.) Consecutive days off, come to Mama.

Confession: Sometimes, when I’m watching television, I get sucked into shows that I’d never actually plan to watch. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is one of those shows. It’s on TLC, I think. It’s a simple premise, really. The show tells the stories of women who…didn’t know they were pregnant. (They did a great job with the show’s title, don’t you think?) I keep watching because I’m amazed. I mean, I get that the human body typically behaves in certain way given a set of circumstances. Sometimes, though, it doesn’t. These women think they’ve got indigestion or the flu but really they are preggers and ready to give birth. Many of these births happen at home, some at the hospital. The one thing that these births have in common: THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HURT. A lot. There’s rarely time for things like pain meds and monitors. You know, the essentials. Everyone tells me it’s different when it’s your own and you forget about the pain and while I don’t mean to discount the well-meaning advice of friends…just, ouch.

On a related note: welcome to the world, Violet! Your parents are so glad you’re here and I can’t wait to meet you!

almost there.

18 Wednesday Nov 2009

Posted by in daily life, music, work

≈ Leave a Comment

Working just two days next week, both post-Thanksgiving. Score! A to-do list and time to get it done? Even better. (It’s entirely possible I’ll be drinking wine straight out of the bottle by noon everyday, though. We’ll see.)

People are funny. They are demanding, peculiar, oddly particular. It’s hard to divorce my experiences as a retail worker from my experiences as a shopper, but I wonder: was I one of those people? You know, one of those customers that makes life difficult for the employees at the stores where I shopped? I hope not, but at one point or another, I know I have been less gracious than I could have been. (Please, try not to ever be that person! When there’s an error or a kerfluffle of any sort, treat people well. Being nice always wins.) This experience in this job has forever changed me and I can’t wait to see what’s next! Like, seriously.

Rediscovering old music is a good thing.

Don’t ever buy a toothbrush at the grocery store. The selection is small and the prices are outrageous. Of course, if you’re not particular about which brush you use, it’s just a matter of economics (money and time). It happens that I am particular about which brush I use (which may or may not surprise you) and I might have color preferences as well. It takes a fair bit of searching to find a suitable brush and the choices at the grocery store weren’t allowing me to indulge my compulsions, dangit! Every time I brush my teeth, I am agg’d (an old favorite word recently rediscovered, an abbreviation of aggravated) at my non-preferred brush. But since I paid for it, I’m using it until I can’t anymore. That’ll teach me.

“Uprising” by Muse is a great I’m-not-taking-any-crap-from-the-Man kind of song*, and I needed it today. First thing this morning my boss was looking for something I’d turned in and I am absolutely certain in my heart I’d done exactly what I was supposed to have done, the way I was supposed to have done it. About 4:00 this afternoon she found the misplaced item, which was not where I left it, but did not apologize for the way she spoke to me this morning. And you know what? That’s okay. I can let this job make me crazy or I can keep my head down, do what I’m supposed to do, and not worry about the rest. I’m working on the not worrying part…it’s much harder than it appears.

As much as I like my shiny new computer, I’m not certain it’s any faster than my old one. The interface is beautiful and that’s nice and all, but it’s sloooow to load some applications and web pages. That’s disappointing. It’s entirely possible that I’m getting more impatient and want everything to happen NOW! and I’m remembering things being better than they were. I do that sometimes and it never fails to be problematic. While all of that foot-tappity-ness may be happening, I still think this one’s just not as fast as the old one. Me and my savings account are sad.

I thought I understood, but I don’t think I do.

*It’s also very well-suited as the theme song for an alien takeover. (Because if there is such a thing, we’ll definitely need music.)

Happy Birthday!

16 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by in family

≈ Leave a Comment

Today my dear friend Kelley is having a baby! She went in first thing this morning…yay for babies! She is a fantastic mom and this new little one is so lucky to have her and Justin as parents. Big sisters are Abigail and Molly. Keep them all in your prayers today as this family of four becomes a Party of Five.

Congratulations, Kelley!

P.S. You’re so sweet to name the baby Heather-Jennifer. ;)

merry christmas, baby

15 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by in holidays

≈ Leave a Comment

I’ve mentioned before that the store where I work has already launched into the holidays with a full head of (very organized and color-coordinated) steam. All of the wrap and ribbons and bows (oh my!) have started me thinking in earnest about how I’m going to give gifts this year. I’m ashamed to admit that in the past, I’ve rarely had a plan. I would shop and buy gifts for people, almost at random, and stop when either a: Christmas arrived, b: I ran out of money or c: I couldn’t think of anything else for a specific person. I’m going to do things differently this year. I’ll probably buy fewer gifts, but I hope that they will be thoughtfully chosen and received in love.

This system isn’t terribly complicated…it involves making a list. Who loves lists more than me? Well, I’m sure someone does, but I do love a good list. Something that does complicate matters slightly is the recipient list itself. Do I give gifts to the people with whom I work? I think there are 55 people at the store! How about a nice holiday card? And how do I handle surprise gifts? You know, those gifts from people who I didn’t anticipate? I can’t very well give them something from the store, now can I? I just need to have a plan, that’s all.

I’m figuring out my list, now it’s time to work on the budget. Ooh, looky there. Suddenly I’ve got a headache. Let’s move on to Troublesome Giftees.

What do you buy for the person who truly has everything he needs? My Dad is one who fits into that category…he’s got what he needs and most of what he wants. The standard answer is to give the gift of an experience instead. Like what? I mean, I want to go skydiving, but I’m almost certain that he’s not going to want to do that, nor is a day at the spa his cup of tea. He might surprise me on one or both of those accounts. He’s wild and crazy and unpredictable like that.

There are a few other folks who fit into the Troublesome Giftee category (I’m looking at you!). Do I give a gift at all? One of my love languages is giving gifts…I think that weirds people out sometimes. I have to remember that it’s not about me, it’s about the recipient and how the gift makes them feel. If they feel anything other than treasured and loved, I’ve made a misstep, even if it was in good faith. But when I do give a gift, it’s out of pure joy and affection for a person, and not intended to elicit any sort of reciprocal response. Ugh…it gives me a headache! See? This is why the holidays are most definitely NOT the most wonderful time of year. If I think you’re rad and I see something that I think you might like and it’s July, I’m getting it for you. (I’m just following the orders issued in Avalon’s terrific song “Don’t Save It All For Christmas Day.” A hug is warmer when you’re in it/ooh baby, that’s a fact.) All of this mess gets dumped on top of what we truly believe, and know in our heart of hearts, what Christmas is about.

 

 

 

 

Ham.*
Ham and pie.

*In our family, we’ve started a steaks-on-the-grill tradition, but feel free to substitute your favorite meat product here. The pie is non-negotiable.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.