Monthly Archives: February 2010

you need a blue sky holiday

24 Wednesday Feb 2010

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Today was a hard day for reasons that both do and don’t make sense to me.

I’m confident that at least a partial source of this malaise is that I return to work tomorrow…I’m actually mildly nauseated at the thought.

Have you ever had a realization that you’re doing something completely  incorrectly? You thought that things were this way, but really they were that way? I’m feeling that way about a couple of different areas of my life (pardon my being intentionally abstruse) and I feel completely bound-at-the-wrists by it. I’m not sure what to do/what I can do/what I should do to alter my course. It’s suddenly hard to breathe.

Right this minute, the place where expectation [hope] meets reality is cold and hard and dark.

Today has just been a really hard day.

jeans, vacation and breathing room

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

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It’s amazing what a new pair of jeans can do for one’s spirits! Whee!

I sat down the other day to plan out my vacation days for the year. The ten days (and three or four additional assorted paid days off) don’t really go that far! I prefer to take my days in small chunks (four-day weekend FTW!) and I’d like to have one of those every six weeks or so. I’m planning them all out now so that I always have some time off in front of me. It’s a little bit of a carrot on a stick, but it works for me. There are a few huge unknowns out there and if even one of those pans out, then it’s all irrelevant…but I’m a planner and so I’m planning.

I went through my closet this morning, getting rid of things that no longer fit or that I haven’t worn in a while. It feels good to let that stuff go. All of it is in good shape, ready for someone else to use and…breathing room.

All of this stuff leads me to a question I’ve been thinking a lot about lately: what am I willing to give up (that I have now) so that I can have what I want (in the future)? I so need my Mom’s advice! She knew me better than anyone and could accurately predict my future behavior (self-fulfilling prophecies?) even when I did silly things. I don’t know…my priorities are changing, my habits are changing…it’s all a little bit new.

Also: new jeans!

shine on

21 Sunday Feb 2010

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Today at work I offered to do a favor for a customer and he responded with “Well, you better.” (I didn’t want him to throw me a parade or name his vacation home after me, but a little gratitude would have been 100% appropriate.) I’m ashamed to admit that in my head, I responded with “Don’t be such a stinker! Ugh!” I was, as my dear friend Anne-Marie would say, “agg’d.”

I’m not even ashamed to admit how much I love Notting Hill. My affection for the film far exceeds its quality as a movie, but I just love it. *sigh*

There’s a pizza chain here that has a macaroni and cheese pizza on its buffet. That is so many different kinds of wrong I can’t even begin to name them all…and I really like macaroni and cheese and I really like pizza. It is to nobody’s benefit to put these two standalone foods together. Nobody’s.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

You’re a diamond to me, yes you are
Shine on

follow through

20 Saturday Feb 2010

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One of these days I’ll go back to writing consecutive posts with paragraphs and a story/point/life lesson…but not today. Another list instead.

  • I had the following conversation with my boss today.
    • Him: So, did you do anything for Valentine’s Day, any dinner date or anything?
    • Me: No dinner, but I did get flowers. The flowers were a happy surprise.
    • Him: Oh you did? How nice. [After a beat or two.] Flowers from someone that you know?
    • Me: Oh yeah…yes, yes.
  • I am far too sensitive about the wrong stuff.
  • I need to get away this year. Doesn’t have to be a huge trip, but I need to get out of town. If I plan properly, I can go more than once.
  • My heart is still a little hurt-y over not getting that job, but I am trusting God. As I read through the Old Testament, I’m seeing a consistent pattern of people showing devotion to God and he delivers them. Big situations, small situations. Every single time: devotion, deliverance. My job is to remain steadfast, not in hopes of getting the reward, but because my God is worthy. [I'm certain I'll reread this paragraph tomorrow and wonder what I was trying to say and how I managed to say it so clumsily. It'll do for now.]
  • No more fear.
  • The song in my head today: If you wanna be with me, you’ll have to follow through with everything you say/And I, all I really want is you, you to stick around. I’ll see you every day, but you have to follow through.

not this job, not this time

17 Wednesday Feb 2010

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Is it better to get not-good news first thing in the morning or as last news of the day?

I got an email this morning telling me that I haven’t been chosen to continue in the selection process for a job for which I’d applied. This is NOT the news I wanted to hear, not at all. I applied for this job on December 18, and for the intervening two months I’ve been thinking about this job every single day, and each of those days I would wake up and think “maybe THIS will be the day I hear about the job.”

Today was the day I heard about the job and it’s not the news I wanted to hear. I’m discouraged and not sure what to do next.

—————————

Also, today, on my day off, I got a call from a customer (that I happen to know personally, but who has never had any reason to call me before) on my cell phone. About work stuff. Awesome.

lenten changes

16 Tuesday Feb 2010

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I got my feet on the ground
And I don’t go to sleep to dream

I’m pretty new to the idea of giving up something for Lent. It wasn’t something we did at church or home when I was growing up and once I did begin to understand it, honestly, it never seemed like much fun to me.

Kicks and grins aside, I am taking on a bit of a challenge for Lent this year. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’m going to give up wasting time. Specifically and particularly late at night.

I am a night person. I am not a morning person. Being a quasi-responsible adult means that if I want to remain an employed person, I have to get up and get going before I’d personally prefer on any given day. I might not be able to change my preference for staying up late, but I can get my butt into bed at a decent hour. Getting to bed on time is 100% my responsibility. I routinely stay up until 12:30/1:00 am doing absolutely nothing. I’m surfing the internet, flipping channels…wasting time. That has got to stop! If I were reading, that would be one thing. If I were chatting with a friend or otherwise doing something productive, that would also be acceptable. As it is, I’m fiddle-farting my time away and that’s not being a good steward of my time.

Can you tell the Lord’s been dealing with me on this issue?

This is how this issue plays out in my day: depending on my work schedule, I might set the alarm for anywhere between 6:00 and 8:00 am. I will snooze until I have to get up so that I can prepare to have my quiet time. On days when I haven’t gotten enough sleep, I will stay in bed so long that my quiet time is short. Like, embarrassingly short. (I don’t have time for the entire ACTS prayer [Adoration, Confesssion, Thanksgiving, Supplication]…sometimes it’s just A and S. I’m really bad about skipping the C and the T. I know, I know! Like the blog header says…A life that’s a work in progress.)

Where was I?

So, when I stay up too late, it’s impossible for me to feel rested because I’m NOT rested. And when I’m not rested all kinds of other junk happens that needs to not happen, including feeling like a grouch. As a bonus, the nature of my work means that I’m rarely sleepy at work. During the drive there, lunch or the drive home? Sure. But not while I’m on the clock. (A surprise benefit of working on my feet!) Instead of feeling traditionally sleepy, I am just as mean as a bear. And I know I am being mean and fighty, so then I keep it all inside and I end up with fake ulcers and hot flashes.

Suffice it to say that no one needs that.

So. My plan is to get more rest during Lent. Less mindless television. Less mindless surfing. More purposeful activity.

you’ve got a piece of me

10 Wednesday Feb 2010

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I know that I’ve got issues
You’re pretty messed up too

Not much of a love song, is it? The chorus ends with a pretty emphatic statement of “yes, it’s you I want” (my life would be better with you in it than without) but not until she qualifies it to death. I guess that’s a part of it in some cases.

I’m babbling.

—————————–

Have you ever had achy, painful collar bones? Every now and then, mine ache for no apparent reason and the discomfort is pretty intense: five/six out of ten. It just sort of shows up out of nowhere, hangs out for a spell, then goes away.

Now I’m rambling.

—————————–

I am an inveterate meddler. Not so much in the business of others, although I’ve had plenty of low moments there, but also in my own life. On any given day, I’ll pray about an issue during my morning quiet time, surrendering it to the Lord and by lunch I’ve got my fingers all in the pie. Do other people struggle with this too? I fully believe that God has a plan for my life and that his plan does not involve my current situation being my forever situation. He’s preparing me, preparing my next job, preparing my husband…wherever he is. I believe God’s putting all of these pieces into place, but I want to rearrange the cards I see, hoping for an outcome that’s more immediate and, well, instant, frankly. I know that all of my problems won’t be solved by a job or a whatever, nothing but the holy spirit making me more like Christ will bring me ultimate satisfaction and peace, but what do I do with the rest of this junk I’ve picked up along the way?! In worship on Sunday we sang “You’re All I Want” and I felt like a liar singing these words, this prayer that I wanted to pray, but I knew it my heart it was not always the truth.

Draw me close to you/Never let me go
I’d lay it all down again to hear you say that I’m your friend
You are my desire/Nothing else will do
Nothing else could take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
That brings me back to you
You’re all I want/You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want/Help me know you are near

Friends, those words are serious business. My Christian walk as of late has been more like the flight of a hummingbird than that of one who’s flying on the wings of an eagle. Sometimes my inadequacy just overwhelms me…I look at it in my own strength and tend to totally discount how capable my God is. I’ve said it before that I believe he redeems the lives and experiences of others, but not mine. Why would he? How could he? Again, I have no capacity to understand how deep his redemption stretches. May this be the year I get a glimpse in my own life, one that helps me to understand in a fresh new way so my faith can grow deeper and I can be [more] effective and on mission for him, his mission for me.

So much doubt.

the hounds of winter

08 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by in checking in

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Updates

  • Fears of weirdness at work last week (as related to the funeral) were mostly unfounded. A trip to the mall reminds me that I could have it way worse. The normal weirdness abounded.
  • Having said that, I am growing more and more anxious about the job search. I continue to look and am having a hard time finding jobs (or even a job…I only need one!) that I’m interested in that are objectively better than where I am. Subjective improvement, of course, is a completely separate issue.
  • And having said that, I have a new suit that needs just minor alterations before it’s interview ready. It’s strange to prep for an interview I don’t have. I need out. I just really need out.
  • My least favorite part of today? Getting a call from my boss, chastising me about an hour and a half of overtime worked last week. During the busiest time of our year. Whatever, dude. Forty hours it is. The way that our salaries are structured, any hours that I work after the first forty are actually cheaper for the company. Just thinking about it makes my heart beat hard and makes me want to throw up a little.
  • I just finished Numbers. I didn’t know there was a talking donkey at the end! All I could think of was Shrek and so I heard the donkey’s voice as Eddie Murphy doing Donkey. Still, so good.
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