I know that I’ve got issues
You’re pretty messed up too

Not much of a love song, is it? The chorus ends with a pretty emphatic statement of “yes, it’s you I want” (my life would be better with you in it than without) but not until she qualifies it to death. I guess that’s a part of it in some cases.

I’m babbling.

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Have you ever had achy, painful collar bones? Every now and then, mine ache for no apparent reason and the discomfort is pretty intense: five/six out of ten. It just sort of shows up out of nowhere, hangs out for a spell, then goes away.

Now I’m rambling.

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I am an inveterate meddler. Not so much in the business of others, although I’ve had plenty of low moments there, but also in my own life. On any given day, I’ll pray about an issue during my morning quiet time, surrendering it to the Lord and by lunch I’ve got my fingers all in the pie. Do other people struggle with this too? I fully believe that God has a plan for my life and that his plan does not involve my current situation being my forever situation. He’s preparing me, preparing my next job, preparing my husband…wherever he is. I believe God’s putting all of these pieces into place, but I want to rearrange the cards I see, hoping for an outcome that’s more immediate and, well, instant, frankly. I know that all of my problems won’t be solved by a job or a whatever, nothing but the holy spirit making me more like Christ will bring me ultimate satisfaction and peace, but what do I do with the rest of this junk I’ve picked up along the way?! In worship on Sunday we sang “You’re All I Want” and I felt like a liar singing these words, this prayer that I wanted to pray, but I knew it my heart it was not always the truth.

Draw me close to you/Never let me go
I’d lay it all down again to hear you say that I’m your friend
You are my desire/Nothing else will do
Nothing else could take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
That brings me back to you
You’re all I want/You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want/Help me know you are near

Friends, those words are serious business. My Christian walk as of late has been more like the flight of a hummingbird than that of one who’s flying on the wings of an eagle. Sometimes my inadequacy just overwhelms me…I look at it in my own strength and tend to totally discount how capable my God is. I’ve said it before that I believe he redeems the lives and experiences of others, but not mine. Why would he? How could he? Again, I have no capacity to understand how deep his redemption stretches. May this be the year I get a glimpse in my own life, one that helps me to understand in a fresh new way so my faith can grow deeper and I can be [more] effective and on mission for him, his mission for me.

So much doubt.