Monthly Archives: March 2010

if you’re gone.*

31 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by in friends, old song/new thoughts, technology

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there’s an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move

Every now and then a song gets lodged in my head and lately it’s been that one. I don’t know many of the lyrics, but that refrain keeps running through my head, along with the next few lines. It’s one of those sad songs that’s dressed up for a party. (You don’t really realize how melancholy it is until you concentrate on the lyrics then it’s sad-o-rama.)

My computer has a new trick! When I’m online, the wireless connection will suddenly, and for no apparent reason, poop out on me. Isn’t that fantastic?! I can’t recreate it on purpose, it just sort of happens at will. Maybe it’s the Lord telling me I need to spend less time on here and more time in his Word! I would not put it past my God to use the technology to drive me to him. As I pointed out in my last post, I’m capable of being pretty stupid. I’m not fishing for compliments, here. I’m just looking at all of the empirical evidence that points to that conclusion.

Now. Having said that, let me state for the record that I’m not stupid. I can be stupid. See the distinction there, Toots?

Yes. Well.

So, Ben left today and headed back home. It was so doggone good to see him and we had lunch with another friend (hi Penney!) who I’ve known as long/about as long as I’ve known him and it was such a good Sunday! Church and lunch with people I’ve known almost all of my life. So good. I’ve got so much that I’m thinking about, but it partially comes down to this: friends are good. They make life better, richer, more satisfying. Like butter and salt, really. Too much of either and in the wrong combinations will kill you, but when it’s just right, there’s nothing better. And here’s a secret I’ve learned from reading cookbooks: there’s more butter and salt in your food than you might think! Without it, food can taste flat and a little dull.

I can’t carry that analogy too much further before it breaks down like a Yugo, but are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

God is so gracious to give us good friends.

I’m blown away that this is the last day of March.

Even though I left you far behind
I always thought that you’d come here to find me
Come find me*/**

*I’m completely aware that these lyrics come from different artists/different songs. I just like them together. It’s sort of the same way I like blue and green together. Specifically, navy and lime. You don’t have to like it…I happen to love it.

**If you’re a looooong time reader of my writing, you might notice that this song has been quoted before, in 2005, I believe. It’s my first intentional repeat, but I like the song just that much.

for everything there is a season

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by in change, this and that

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Just a note on my journey through the Bible this year:

I read Ecclesiastes today. I (for some reason) expected some sort of Job-like turn around at the end, where the writer discovers that all is not futile, that God is sovereign and has a plan…yeah, not so much.

On the flip side, I enjoyed Proverbs way more than I expected, and am humbled by God’s matchless grace. Also, he’s right. About people, our ability to be wicked and pretty much everything else. I’m sort of in awe of how much I’ve screwed up by being selfish, lazy, stupid or some combination of the three.

I’m learning a lot about God and his character and when he allows me to really see who I’ve been (and who I still am), I’m grossed out by my sin. I think that’s the way he wants it.

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I think I’m done with the BLT binge for lunch. (It’s been my standard lunch for the last five months or so…don’t judge.) I was actually quite hungry by the time my break rolled around and I ordered just like always, but today, the food was just not good. I could barely get it down, and when I ate it, it was unpleasant. So yeah, a habit broken. Just like that.

context

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by in itty bitty rant, this and that

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I’m not who I was
I still don’t know who I am

Did you know that when you search for a term on this blog it’s visible to the blog’s owner? Yup.

Don’t take a post (or posts) out of context…these posts accurately portray my life as it happens. Things that were important to me three years ago aren’t necessarily important to me now. Perspective is a mighty thing. So is time. (And the two are not the same.)

Why I feel the need to explain all of this requires more energy than I’m willing to devote to it. If you’ve got questions, here’s a great place to ask.

———————————-

My oldest friend is in town and it’s been sooooo good to have him here! We know Ben and his family through our church and we have known them for so long our friendship is measured in decades. I forget how well I know him and how much I love him until I see him again. There’s no friend like an old friend. And also, new friends are good too.

Okay, there’s nothing like a good friend.

two things

19 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by in checking in

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I’ve been siiiiick over the ten days. What started as a sore throat last week morphed into a full-blown illness, complete with laryngitis and a lingering cough. I still sound like a huskier-voiced version of myself and I have to say I kind of like it.

I sure do wish I had a spring break.

i have a hope

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by in inner monologue

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If you didn’t know me and read my blog, you might think I don’t have any hope that my situation will change. That’s not true. I couldn’t be more hopeful, actually. Am I frustrated? Am I impatient? Yes and yes.

Am I without hope? No.

So hold on a little longer
He’s gonna come through in the end
I don’t know how
I don’t know when
But I know Him.

————————-

There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God of heaven loves me.

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After I posted here just a few minutes ago, these lyrics started running through my head.

It needed its own post, so here you go.

will you be there?

12 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by in this and that

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Do you call them “steps” or “stairs”? For me, it’s context dependent.

Today was another beautiful day, and I miss being in Arkansas in the spring!  Specifically, there’s nothing like being on a college campus in the springtime. (Or in the fall, for that matter!) It’s magical! I still miss that part of my life very much and sometimes I think I’ve made it magical when in a lot of ways, it was very pedestrian and ordinary. I think about the relationships I built with some of the students I worked with and I think, “eh, maybe that was time- and place-dependent and it was what it was….” But then in the span of less than a day, I heard from three people, students who turned into friends, and I remind myself, “What I did there mattered and it was good.”

Do you have to give yourself pep talks?

No? Oh.

I very much miss it. Given the right set of circumstances, I’d go back in a heartbeat. What makes the “right set of circumstances”? I’ll know it when I see it.

I’ll know it when I see it.

The more I look at this phrase, I think this is one of the little lies we (I) tell ourselves (myself) when I’m spending more time wishing than doing. It’s both accurate and unfair, because I’m unlikely to get the chance to go back that place I love to do that thing I love. Not that there won’t be other loves in the future, because I’m certain there will be, but the chance to go back and sing that song again is unlikely. I’m acknowledging that. And I’m okay with it.

Really.

Okay. Maybe I’m still a wee bit wistful.

Hold me, like the river Jordan
And I will then say to thee
“You are my friend”


why i’m beginning to hate facebook

11 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by in venting

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I really, really try not to use the word “hate” on this blog. I’m the first to admit that even before today, I have failed. I also don’t like to call out companies for doing business they way they do business just because I don’t happen to like it. There are exceptions, of course.

American Airlines, I’m looking at you! (Shame on you for keeping passengers stuck on a plane on the tarmac. In Dallas. In July. WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING.)

And now, Facebook.

A short litany of reasons why I’ve grown to despise Facebook:

  • That blasted news feed. I get that it’s important to you (Facebook). It’s not important to me. I’d like to be able to scan my friends’ status updates and be done with it most of the time. That should be easier to do.
  • Applications are out of control. If I wanted that kind of craziness, I would have stuck with MySpace. I realize that the adoption rates of the two sites are completely different and that they serve largely different demographics, but for the purposes of this argument, you see my point. Also, *shudder*.
  • Allowing old boyfriends to contact me. (That’s not really Facebook’s fault, it just sucks.)

But this latest thing really irritates me. And this deserves its own bullet point, purely for emphasis.

  • So, I’m not a fan of the news feed. No biggie. My bookmark for Facebook points directly to a page that shows latest status updates, so I can bypass the feed altogether. Yay me! Until yesterday, that is. The link that I saved in my own browser’s toolbar now points to the news feed. What?! How in the world?! I’m not sure how it works…I’m not sure how that happened, but rest assured that I made no changes to the bookmark (and why would I? I was happy with it) but the destination link now resolves to someplace entirely new. That’s gross. It’s not so much about the stupid news feed. It’s that I can’t stinkin’ use the site like I want to! Gross! Don’t mess with my bookmarks! GRAR!

So I find myself at a crossroads. Not between life and death, not between love and hate, but between life with and life without Facebook. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve been on that site for five years. Five! In internet years, that’s like, forever. I need to get out, I think.

Okay, so how? Wean myself off or cold turkey? Decisions, decisions.

I’m worked up about this.

On a completely different note: I got a spam comment today on an old post and while I was deleting the comment, I went back and reread that old post. I distinctly remember writing it and where I was and what situation spurred the post but I was alarmed at something I’d written down at the bottom.

Is it bad that I’d like to eat him then burn his bones?

I guess I was mad. (Imagine such a thing!) Maybe a little hungry too?

oh baby, it’s springtime

11 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by in inner monologue

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It’s just a little crush

One of my friends from high school has just announced that she’s expecting twins this fall. I’m not at all close with her, but saw the news today (yay social networking!) and am thrilled for her, of course. She’s single, so I’m not entirely sure of the mechanics of her impending arrivals and I’ll be the first to state that it’s certainly none of my business…I’m just wondering if I’m missing out on something with the whole parenthood…thing.

However.

I have taken to watching Supernanny and I have never been so glad to be childless in all of my days. Oh. My. Heavens. I realize that the parents have everything to do with how the kids behave and that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but DANG some of those kids are bad. Badly behaved. Poorly behaving? You know what I mean. I mean, really bad.

This week, I’ve spotted a thatch of daffodils in full bloom and two maxi dresses…spring is here! Not technically, no, but between the allergies and the temperature, it feels like it. No sandals until it’s official though. (Again, to live inside my head is to live with Rules. I’m working on it.)

I always make a wish when the clock reads 12:34.

blessed assurance

08 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by in inner monologue

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I quoted an episode of House during our small group Bible study last night. The girls (a group of about 12 or 15 seventh graders) just sort of looked at me funny and even if they didn’t get the reference, I think they got the point. We had a really good discussion.

While going through an old journal I found a prayer list that I started last summer. Looking at it is a pretty concise snapshot of the things that were on my heart then. For example, I see an entry for some friends who were expecting their first child, “L. and A., baby!” and when they shared they were expecting twins, I see that I added in a different ink “baby!” once again. Those babies are now almost two weeks old. God is so faithful! Some items are handled/answered, some are ongoing concerns, and of course, there are new ones. It’s good to be able to look back and see where I was to gain a bit of perspective.

Things at work are stressful. It’s hard to say exactly why, but several of us are feeling it. I’m not quite sure what to do to alleviate the stress or to fix it…I’m not sure what to do. It’s not good and it’s just hanging in the air. Even just writing about it now makes it a wee bit harder to breathe.

I’m still working my way through the Bible chronologically and I’m right at the end of David’s reign as king. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating that I’m blown away by all I’m learning in this (really rapid) journey through the Bible. In my own anxiety and uncertainty, I’m finding peace and stability and reminders of how big God is as I read through his word. I just don’t believe I’ve had all of the experiences that I’ve had so far to just stay where I am, doing what I’m doing. Even on days like today, when I’m stressed out and irritated (and irritating!) there is a tiny ray of hope that this is not it. I so desperately need to believe that!

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8.

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