When I went to Virginia last January, my professor told the class, “Some of you are in graduate school because you think it’s cheaper than therapy, but if that is your reason for enrolling, this is not the program for you.” In my typical self-righteous way, I thought that she was talking about someone else, some other student who was terribly misguided and lacked self-awareness.

She might have been talking to me.

I didn’t enroll in the Professional Counseling program just so that I could sort out my own issues, although I will freely confess that when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. The more I learn about various ways personality and circumstance can combine to form a perfect storm of maladaptive psychological tendencies, the more I see faults in myself. While it’s interesting to know how the status quo came to be, it’s honestly more useful to know how help people get better.

I haven’t taken those classes yet.

I just returned from another week in Lynchburg and again, it was fantastic. There’s a not-small part of me that wants to move to Lynchburg so that I can be a full-time student, involved in classroom discussions and grading papers and living in a college town. I am fully confident that that is not the right thing for me at this point, no matter how much I like being there. I’m sure part of the reason why I like being there so much is precisely because I don’t actually live there. Being there is like vacation, but with classes and credit hours. (Honestly, that sounds like a completely bitchin’ vacation. And it was. Plus! I got to drive a muscle car.)

I’ve been wrestling with the idea of switching from the 48-hour program to the 60-hour program for several months and I definitely decided to make the leap to the longer program while I was there. The decision was made for several reasons, but what it boils down to is two things: the longer, more comprehensive program gives me more options when I finish. There are only a few states that require a 48-hour degree, with the majority requiring 60 hours of coursework. Texas currently requires 48 hours, but honestly, and don’t tell anyone I said this, I don’t know if I’ll live in Texas forever. I might live someplace else someday and I’d rather get whatever coursework I need while I’m still in school. Yes, it’ll delay my graduation by two semesters, but at this point, what are four more classes? Okay, technically it’s five, but who’s counting?

As long as I’m writing my inaugural post of Twenty Dozen (thank you Justin and Kirt for that fantastic phrase!) I have to admit that I’m having a bit of an existential crisis (loosely defined: a state of anxiety related to the state of being) about the whole school thing. I have long said that being in this program is like having a second job, and last semester, that really felt true. There were things that I did not get to do because I had school obligations. I know that this is all about making choices, giving up something now for something I want more, later; it still kind of stinks. I wonder if all of this sacrifice will have been worth it. Will I be able to find a job? Will said job support me? I feel sort of confident (so maybe not very confident after all) that I could always keep my current job until…until whenever. I am not saying that as a bad thing. Indeed, it is a very good thing. I love my job. I have an awesome boss who supports me and helps me to be a better employee/servant/church member/person. It is a fantastic situation, and ordinarily, I would be happy to be in this job until the cows come home. I just feel like God has placed something else on my heart. How to reconcile the need to make a living while still working in a field quickly becoming oversaturated with new graduates (hey, classmates!)? The whole topic gives me waves of nausea. Yep, one just washed over me. See? Oh, there goes another one.

I often say to people, “Either you trust God or you don’t. He’s not partially sovereign. Either you believe he is who he says he is or you don’t. The Bible is not partially true. It is true or it isn’t.” I should be less glib with those words! Even though I am still two years away from job-seeking, I am having, right at this moment, a full-on panic attack thinking about job searching, finding a position where I can work as an intern, the whole nine yards.

So here I am, back to the beginning, wondering a) if I’m suited for counseling, given the gaggle-pack of insecurities and imperfections I have; b) if the sacrifices I’m making for this program will prove to be worthwhile ones in the end; and c) if ultimately, can I make this work? Do I have the resources to pull this off?

My answers so far: a) Yes, despite the insecurities and imperfections. Perfection is boring. b) Yes, nothing worth having comes easily. c) No, I don’t have the resources, but God does. He will supply all of my needs according to his riches in glory. He will supply what I need regarding wisdom (James 1:5!) as well as the other things I’ll need to do this.

I am overwhelmed and feeling a little unsettled. I love situations where the solution is obvious and tied up with a bow. That is decidedly not what I have here.

I suppose this is one of those faith-making moments.

Huh.