disclaimer: i use the space here to vent and to work things out of my system. i often (but not always) feel better about something once i’ve written it down. sometimes seeing the words in black and white makes the situation less scary. sometimes i have greater perspective. anyway, i realize there’s not a lot of happy-ness here. but that’s not what this blog is about.

in a conversation i had with my sister the other day, i learned that there’s definite trouble afoot in my dad’s new marriage. apparently his new bride spends quite a lot of energy talking about the things she’s left behind to be in houston with him. she complains that she doesn’t like to be home all day…but she’s steadfastly refused to get involved in what he does. she knew about his ministry when they met. she knew this is what he did/does every single day. at any rate, she is making a lot of sounds like a newlywed who’s having second thoughts. there are other issues that jen mentioned and i can’t even bring myself to write about them. it’s not good. i’m sure that her sons have a completely different feeling about this relationship and my dad seems like the bear–i realize there are two sides to every story, especially in a relationship/marriage. i absolutely acknowledge that my dad can be a pill and that i have very little first hand knowledge of her beginning to turn away from him.

jen also said that on saturday evening she was talking with my dad while watching a dvd of some choir something or another and he burst into tears. he said that he’s been thinking about mom a lot lately and he really misses her. i know he does. i can also imagine that him being married to someone else makes the differences between my mom and his new wife very visible. i know that my mom wasn’t perfect. i know that. she wasn’t a perfect wife or mom or daughter, but she was remarkable and she was mine. i love her and he does too. i wonder if he doesn’t know what to do with his grief now that he’s married to someone else. i think he thought that getting married would make things okay again. of course it didn’t. it may have solved one problem but it created a whole host of others. i am so sad that he’s hurting. i hate that so much. today is his birthday and she’s gone. she went to north carolina last week because a cousin of hers died. she left on thursday, the funeral was saturday and she won’t be home until tomorrow. why would she choose to miss his birthday?

i had a dream that my dad died the other night.
right before my mom died, i can recall having a dream about  her dying. did i make it happen? by dreaming about my dad dying, did i hasten his death? intellectually, i know that doesn’t make any sense. but lots of things don’t make sense.
i can’t even bear the thought.

oh my goodness, it’s too awful to even comprehend.